


Lie

by LouiseFox



Series: Wasted Love [3]
Category: Fate: The Winx Saga (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 08:21:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29838720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseFox/pseuds/LouiseFox
Summary: She would keep up this sweet lie as long as she could. Even if it would make everything worse in the end. She just needed to protect her girl as long as she could.
Relationships: Bloom & Farah Dowling, Farah Dowling/Rosalind, Farah Dowling/Saul Silva
Series: Wasted Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2192784
Comments: 8
Kudos: 34





	Lie

„Do you know who my parents are?”

Someone who knew her might have been able to see the changing in her. The way she took a deep breath, the way her shoulders tensed. Maybe they could have seen it in her eyes, how she tilted her head upwards and looked away. As if the sky could tell her what to do, give her the orders she needed.

But no one told her what to do. No one could, not anymore. It was her choice, hers alone. She hated it. She didn’t want this, she wished she would have never tried to find her. To find her beautiful girl that stood before her, this shimmer in her eyes and those questions burning on her mind.

Farah wasn’t prepared for it. No matter how many years passed, she couldn’t find the strength for it. She wished she could.

“No.”

She wasn’t sure if the girl believed it. She watched her closely, it was clear to see she wasn’t satisfied, she wanted to know more, had more questions.

It reminded her of herself, of a time when things were different and she was the one in the position where she was left unknowing, without the information she wanted.

But soon she turned away from her. Left her. And her heart hurt. She never expected this to be so painful.

She had been able to stand it for a long time, to live with the fact that this wasn’t the way it could be. But even she couldn’t forever and so she had looked for her.

And finally she found her.

After all she wasn’t sure if this was a bliss or a curse.

Because it hurt. Being close to her, teaching her, seeing her. She was so big now. Not anymore the little baby she couldn’t hold because she was scared of loving it. Not anymore the little thing she gave up because she didn’t dare to allow herself this, to have other responsibilities than the ones she already had.

Still nothing could change the fact that she started to love her. She always loved her. And over the years she had learned to punish herself with it, to live with this pain because she deserved it. For having been so naïve and stupid.

It had been hard to see her friends with their children, to be close as they grew up. To see all those happy moments she could have had too. She had wanted it too, but not in this way.

And now that she was here it hurt even more. Farah wanted to go to her, put her arms around her and tell her who she was. Tell her how sorry she was, how much she loves her. But she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t lie forever. It wasn’t possible. Her daughter deserved the truth. But for now the lie was better.

The longer she could keep up a sweet lie the better.

*

Farah couldn’t focus on his words. He had started to tell her something about a duel, something about his students, maybe? – She had stopped listening a few minutes ago. She tried to get herself to follow his words, to listen to him. But it wasn’t possible.

She was just so hurt.

It had been easy until now. She had enjoyed the pain because it reminded her. But now it hurt more, it made her whole body ache and she didn’t think she could stand it much longer.

“Are you listening?”

“Hm?”

Finally she could bring herself to look away from the window she stared at. Her vison had gotten blurry. “I’m sorry.”

He frowned at her. Of course he saw that something was wrong. He always did, because maybe he knew her better than she herself did.

And she started to cry. She never cried, but now she had to. He would hold her she knew it, but he was still not what she wanted.

Years made it easier, but she never got over it. He wasn’t what she wished for.

“I’m here.” And still he held her, combed through her hair, and whispered sweet nothings to calm her down.

He was a good person. So caring and gentle. He knew he wasn’t her dream, he could never be what she wished for. But he was with her, he could care for her and make sure she was okay.

He could make her go to bed and rest, eat, take breaks. He could make sure she was healthy and fine.

It was more than he ever dreamed about.

He always knew she was better than him, she was another league. But he didn’t care.

“Saul-“, her voice broke. She couldn’t do this. Not anymore. She wished she had never looked for her. Never found out how much she looked like the woman she loved. Never saw a young version of the manipulative former headmistress. But she had seen her. And now it was too late. And now she wished again.

Wished again for a home, a family, to care about her child and make her happy. But her child was no child anymore. And if she could make sure she never knew it she would. She can’t know.

“I know. I’m here.”

She wanted Rosa. Like she always did. She wanted to be held by Rosa, who never held her. She wanted Rosa to care for her, who never cared. She had never kissed her like he did, had never made sure she was happy, and still she would prefer her. She would take her back just to be close to her. To have her.

Just another reason why she allowed him. Because she was to him what Rosa was to her. And she knew how it was like to suffer because of this.

Years had taught her how to see things in another light, she had learned to see how much Rosalind used her. How much she hurt her. It had hit her a few years after sending her daughter away. Rosa had hurt her so much, so deeply that she didn’t know if she could survive it.

And Saul, her Saul, shouldn’t be hurt too. It wasn’t the same, of course it was not, because she loved Rosa with all her heart while he could never be much more than a wish, and a what-if-I-could, but she knew it made him happy. And that made her happy.

He never hurt her, he never forced her into something, he would rather stab himself. He had been there through it all.

And still she couldn’t love him. Not like Rosa.

Maybe it was just because he was a man, maybe she didn’t like men, or maybe Rosalind had manipulated her enough to make sure she never loved anyone else than her. Maybe she was just bound to her.

Either way it didn’t matter. She couldn’t have Rosa. She could never. Rosa was evil and bad and would bring death and fire upon the world.

Just another thing why she couldn’t have kept her daughter.

If Rosa knew about her, managed to get free, managed to get close to her the world would suffer. She would make use of her. She would hurt her too because that was all she could do. Hurt people.

And still she loved her and wanted her. Wanted her at her side again.

It was as if the hurt she caused her never existed. The endless torture, the hours of pushing into her mind, the way she forced this spell on her even though she knew she was scared and in pain and didn’t want it.

Of course Rosa had known. She knew everything.

And Farah still hated her for it. For not stopping when her whole mind screamed for her to not do it.

But she didn’t stop. She never stopped. And the child that lived under the same roof as she now, not knowing who she was, was the final chord. The last pain, the last torture Rosa gifted to her.

For many years she had wondered what she would be like, who she would look like, what her powers were, if she would be more like her or Rosa.

And now she knew.

She wished she could stop knowing.

And suddenly she remembered she was still in Saul’s arms, held by him as she sobbed. He was so patient with her. So differently than Rosa who would have hit her across the face and then send her out for a walk. Rosa would have forced her to stop crying, because it was a sin, because it showed weakness.

“I’m here Fa. I’m here.”, he rocked her like a child.

She wondered if he knew if he had recognized it like she did. Probably not. Because yes, she did look like Rosa when she was young, but this hair, this glowing colour most come somewhere else than them. It would make sure no one who knew the former headmistress saw the similarity. If it hadn’t been for the instinct inside of her, for the sudden rush of memories, for the simple knowledge in the first moment she had seen her, she might have not seen it as well.

“It hurts so much.” He would understand her even if he didn’t know what happened in her mind. He always did. So he kissed her temple, moved a hand to her collar and held her tightly as his lips moved to her lips.

And as always she wished it were Rosalind. But Rosalind never kissed her like that. Never showed her this much love.

“Please make me forget this.”

He did. He did it how he always did when she asked for it. He got rough and made it hurt in a way that would remind her for the next hours, would torture her just for some time. Saul could never really hurt her, they both knew that, but he made sure it was enough to make her forget.

It normally took her more begging than that to make him. He didn’t like to hurt her, he just did it because she needed it, because she wanted it.

Today he saw it was important to her, so he didn’t protest or spoke out doubts.

And after it Farah could finally close her eyes without thinking. She didn’t have the strength to worry. She just felt the mild pain and those strong arms around her.

It was nearly like Rosalind. But Rosalind would have hurt her more without even questioning it. She would have enjoyed hurting her, while he hated it. She would have rather kicked her out of bed than hold her this lovingly, than hold her safe.

The only times Rosa had held her was, when she wanted it, when she demanded it. In moments when Farah hated it and wished to be alone.

“I love you.”, he whispered and as most of the times she didn’t reply. He knew she loved him. He was the closes she would ever come to family. So it was okay. He knew she couldn’t say it because her heart was still with Rosalind. Her heart would forever be there.

“Saul.”

“What is it?”, he stroke a strand of caramel hair out of her face. So much lighter than it had been when they started doing this. “I’m here.”

“I found her Saul.”

“What?” He wasn’t sure if he understood her.

“Yes Saul. I found her. She’s here.”

She saw how he started to think. And suddenly it hit him. “The changeling?”

“Yes.”

“How did you know it was her?” There was nothing but empathy in his eyes.

“I did my research. I wasn’t completely sure, but I saw it as soon as we met the first time. She looks like her.”, Farah sighed and put her head on his chest.

He didn’t say something immediately. For a moment he just held her, drew soft circles on her skin. “Where does her hair colour come from?”

She couldn’t help but to laugh a little. Of course he would ask that. “I have absolutely no idea. I don’t know. Many things about her seem to come out of nowhere…I guess…it might be cause by the whole circumstances of it.” Two women making a baby wasn’t exactly what she called traditional. There must be something about it.

And she remembered words in a language she didn’t understand, voices filling her head and darkness around her as hands travelled over her body.

“Will you tell her?” He probably knew she wouldn’t. “I think she deserves do know.”

“She does.” But not yet. Not so soon. “I don’t know if I can tell her now. I will- I will wait.”

It was seldom that she felt this unsure. With the years she had learned to step out of the shadow and become stronger. Stronger than she could have ever grown under Rosa’s torture and manipulation. She had grown out of this darkness and into the light.

But this made her feel like she fell to the floor, strangled by this darkness she always had to flee from.

*

“I want to talk to her.”

Her heart dropped. Her past seemed to finally catch her. If she knew about Rosalind it wouldn’t be long until she had to find out the whole story. And still, for now she could keep up this lie. Just a while longer.

“She’s dead.”

She just had to find the right time. Maybe then she could tell her. Maybe she would find the strength for it.

Until then the lie had to be enough.

Better this sweet lie than the bitter truth.

She needed to protect her girl as long as she could, even if it would make everything worse in the end.


End file.
